Missing Rachel today

I don't know why but I woke up this morning a bit panicked that I would somehow forget Rachel. I know its silly but may be its because things are really starting to go back to normal (which is not a bad thing). Afterwards, I have been thinking about Rachel more and of course that is making me miss her more. Isaac is so cute these days I can't help but think I wonder how Rachel would be like if she was still here with us. Would she be as funny as Isaac? Sometimes when Isaac looks like he is smiling (sometimes it even looks like he is giggling to me), and it comes on so suddenly, I often wonder if Rachel is whispering a joke to Isaac. I also wonder if Isaac misses Rachel.

I wished I had a garden. I want dedicate a corner of a garden to Rachel so I can spend time there planting flowers for Rachel and talking to her. I guess this is something that would have to wait till when we eventually move back to the U.S. and settle down in a more permanent home.

I took the trains for the first time to visit Isaac last night. I guess I am still pretty out of shape because taking the one hour train ride each way and having to stand for most of the time with a heavy backpack (containing my milk with a few ice packs plus our video camera) in a really crowded train really wiped me out. When I commented on how tired I was after returning home, my dad who just arrived from Beijing the day before yesterday commented that now I can understand how physically draining it was for them, esp. my mom, when they came to the hospital to visit me each day. Especially when I was at Aiku Hospital, even though it was much closer distance-wise, they had to walk up a hill and they usually brought quite a bit of stuff with them - food, soup and clean laundry. I still feel so humbled by my parents' love. I really couldn't have made it without all their help the past couple of months. But at the same time, I still can't seem to become a better daughter and I still act too much like my old self - the youngest spoiled brat. I guess changing is a really difficult thing to actually do no matter how much I say I want to change. I just have to keep praying and praying for God to continue to change me.

Isaac basically slept through my entire visit last night. I didn't touch him because of my cold and couldn't talk a lot or sing as I didn't want to start coughing. It was still nice to watch him sleep. I wonder what he dreams about when he is sleeping and it does seem like he dreams as he would change expressions and wriggle around even as he sleeps. The nurse told me that they are going to start weighing him every other day on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. That must be a good sign as they were afraid to weigh him too often before saying that they have to wait for him to become more stable. In any case, I guess I will find out his new weight tonight!

Take care and God bless everyone,

Sonia