Dear all,
I just finished expressing milk at this late hour and wanted to post something before I go to sleep.
Its hard to express how I feel but I guess I can say I have been feeling more depressed since I came home. I mean, it is really, really great to finally be home and be with Jong again. We hardly had anytime together since my surgery while I was in the hospital. But on the other hand, I feel so empty being home without my babies. I think back to last when I was at home before all this happened and it seemed like such an naive, idyllic time back then. Now, EVERYTHING has changed.
I think I am the type of person who freezes when crises happen and then it takes a while for what happened to hit me. And everything started really hitting me after I got home. Its not just the loss of Rachel and the fact that our poor little Isaac is in NICU, stuck to all these tubes, with only skin and bones, without mommy and daddy with him. Its also the whole ordeal, from the discovery of the incompetent cervix, to Rachel's sac rupturing, to the weeks of bedrest praying and hoping and then the horrible days of contractions, hospital move and emergency C-section. I feel empty and numb inside.
Its especially hard when I am expressing milk. Because when I am expressing milk, it makes me really want to be able to hold Isaac (and Rachel too) to my chest and feed them. And it makes me miss Rachel soooo much. Apart from expressing milk, its hard feeling like a mommy -- how do you feel like a mommy when you only see your first and only son for an bour a day?
Satan has been trying to do a number on me. Putting lies in my head. I know they are lies but they still hurt. My heart just feels so raw and numb, it hurts too much to let myself feel too much. And I feel more distant from God then before. I know He is watching us and blessing us by allowing Isaac to be stable. But somehow I feel like I am in a dark vacuum. I know all this will pass and I just need to keep praying and reading our Lord's word and He will somehow heal my heart and my broken soul. I guess I just feel mentally very, very tired.
On the bright side, Isaac is still stable. They upped his milk intake to 4.5 ml a day and apparently he is digesting it. Seeing Isaac is both Jong's and my highlight of the day. It takes a long time to get there and back but it is sooo great to see him. He is just so cute -- seeing him each day makes me think God's creation is so great. Unlike Jong, I do not think any of the dreaded complications are inevitable. I don't know if its because I am a mom or I am hiding my head in the sand, but I just am not able to let myself think that things can grow really wrong for him. I know there will be bumps ahead on his journey but I somehow think that he will come out alright eventually. And I pray and beg God to allow this to happen as often as I can.
In any case, its almost 2 am now and I better go to sleep. Sorry for the depressing post. Today is Easter Sunday so I should cheer up!!
Happy Easter everyone.
Take care,
Sonia
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Story of a 23 week micro preemie, his angel twin sister and his earth bound baby sister.
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About Me
- Sonia
- Corporate Attorney who has practiced in New York, San Francisco, Tokyo, and now in Hong Kong. Also Mom to 3 babies born in April - a 23w0d micropreemie miracle boy, his angel twin sister in heaven and his younger sister who was miraculously conceived without any medical help after 8+ years of unexplained infertility and born full term.
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- A poem that touched our hearts
- Smiles and Daddy's Pinky
- Continued Problems with Blood Pressure/Blood Circu...
- Isaac is 3 weeks old! (26 weeks gestational)
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- Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the ...
- 26 grams, Open Eyes and Continued Breathing Scares
- Chronic Lung Disease and we saw Isaac opened his e...
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- Isaac's First Scare
- Meet Isaac!
- Thank you so much
- Being home...
- Isaac is up to 4ml per feeding, CLD soon?
- Pls tell us where you are
- I am home!
- Our meeting with Isaac's doctor
- Your Posts, A Question About Isaac's Condition
- A Small Prayer For Rachel, Isaac is Hungry!
- Sonia, Isaac and Rachel
- Isaac Samuel Lee and Rachel Grace Lee
- Sonia is in Surgery NOW. Please Pray
- Sonia's back in Emergency Delivery Room; I think w...
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8 comments:
Dear Sonia,
I wish there were words that I could say that would make the pain go away, you have been through so much. I like you need time to process things that have happened, so I totally understand where you are coming from. The only advice I can give is to take everything one day at a time, minute by minute if that is what it takes, and don't be sorry, you have every right in the world to feel pain , it will take time to heal. I wish there was more I could say or do, I think of Issac daily and hope for him. You can e-mail me anytime you need, my e-mail is islandchic72@yahoo.ca. I have just re read this and I hope it makes sense. Sometimes I have a hard time expressing what I want to say. Hugs Allison (ivf connections)
Dear Sonia- Its very hard to not come home with your babies, but like the other post said take one day at a time. Maybe the drs. could let you spend a little more time at the NICU. Isaac is a fighter, just like his Mama. Hang in there & God Bless. mom to 24.3 wker now 2 yrs
Dear Jong and Sonia,
I am a member of Japanese premie board which your friend has been posting questions. My 23-weeker boy is now 3years. He has little delay on his development and diagnosed as cerebral paralysis, but he is doing fine!
Many things had happened during his NICU days. He stayed their for 3months. He had severe chronic lungs and was using ventilator for 82 days. It was not only once that the doctor called me to tell our baby was very seriously ill and need to come to the hospital as soon as possible. But he survived!! He discharged from hospital after 5months and 5days admission. I really want to encourage you that Japanese neonatal care is in high level and survival rate is now the best around the world!
I have several friends who also have 23-weeker baby. Some babies have a little problem like my son, but there are super babies who have no trouble at all ! Outcome is not only one. Every child has his or her own fate. Bright future is wating for your little Isaac!! I am praying for your family all the time.
Dear Sonia,
I really understand your words. Time may assuage your heart. You had done your best and still doing your best. Keep up on expressing milk. It is a tough work for mom but this milk is a very best food especialy for preemies. If you have interest, I can send my son's homepage URL. It is written in Japanese, but you can see the pictures when he was in NICU.
(I hope you can understand my post, because I am not a English user.)
Just a bit of encouragement from Micah 7~
7But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the LORD;
I will wait for the God of my salvation
My God will hear me.
8Do not rejoice over me, O my enemy
Though I fall I will rise;
Though I dwell in darkness, the LORD is a light for me.
9I will bear the indignation of the LORD; Because I have sinned against Him, Until He pleads my case and executes justice for me
He will bring me out to the light,
And I will see His righteousness.
10Then my enemy will see, And shame will cover her who said to me,
"Where is the LORD your God?"
My eyes will look on her;
At that time she will be trampled down Like mire of the streets.
You guys and your babies are so loved and prayed for; may you constantly know the presence of the Holy Spirit with you continually...
oh honey. i am so sorry that your world has changed before you. that what you once thought would be has changed into something you never expected. it's hard to get back on your feet when you've been knocked down in such an abrupt manner. the pumping you are doing...hold on to it. really. i think it's the one thing that, as you said, really ties you to isaac and makes you feel like his mom. you are giving him something no one else can. no medical professional, no person, no machine, no formula, only you. and that is one thing they cannot replicate. i know you know this already, i just wanted to try to encourage you. what a hard road. i can't imagine what it must be like to be missing your little girl so very much and just the longing to hold her and kiss her. tears pour when i think of you and think of this. we continue to lift you up to the Father. may He hold you close tonight as you try to sleep. may he envelope you in His embrace and bring you peace and comfort. rest. God bless you. Today He is Risen for this very purpose...to bring healing and life to all.
Sonia -
Even though we've not met, I really wish we could talk in person. We have a medically fragile child, and have been through the "valley of the shadow" more times than I would ever have thought God would ever ask (allow?) me to go.
I know the distance, and the numbness, and especially the "vacuum".
I once prayed with practically every breath...and/but/yet...after each walk through the valley, the silence roared. I *believed* God with all my heart -- but had no words to express my disbelief in the events in my life. I wasn't doubting Him -- but I did not know how to speak to Him anymore. I wasn't angry -- just numb -- shell-shocked -- speechless.
I'm still learning how to walk this path. The one thing I can say with some certainty from my own experience is that sometimes music can pull the words from my heart. It is a relief to know that they are still in there, even if my "voice of praise" is only a whisper.
You are in our prayers.
Continuing to pray.... this is the valley... and it is the hardest thing... to lose a baby and in many ways, to lose what should have been.
It's okay to grieve... as you let the pain out, you will be free-er to live on and to love Isaac through this excruciating time.
I lost both my twins before I was even discharged from the hospital, so I didn't have the confusing experience of hanging on to one, and still grieving the other. But I know... those times that I was able to scream and cry and just wail with my husband were so healing. You have lost a part of you.... and it's ok to grieve her.
I feel so badly for you guys... I wish it were different.
My dh and I will keep you and your precious fighter in our prayers.
When I was praying for you a few days ago I suddenly had this strong impression--I can't call it a vision, but it was beyond just an idea, and it drove me to tears in the beauty of it--and I thanked Him again and again:
Rachel cherishes the hour she spent with you, and felt deeply loved. She remembers every voice, every heartbeat, every touch while she was with you for those few months. Though she suffered much, she already sees the fruit that her offering will bring, and it brings her much joy and rejoicing in what God will bring about.
She loves talking to Jesus about it.
I am strongly convicted that this was from God, and I just hope that this is a gift from God that encourages you.
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