Happy Year of the Boar!

Happy New Year and Isaac update:

Today is Chinese New Year's Day. Happy New Year! I really haven't done much for Chinese New Year for a very long time (since I moved away from Hong Kong more than 20 years ago - yikes, that makes me feel old!) so today was like any old day.

Isaac was breathing well today (we were able to have him breathe without the cannular for a big part of the day) but he didn't eat so well today since today is Sunday and Remy had the day off. Its kind of funny, he now has pinned each person to a role. He likes being fed by Remy and he likes falling asleep for his naps with my mom. I am not sure what he likes to do with me but I am his bath person since I have continued to bathe him almost every night since he came home from the hospital. In any case, it definitely seems like he doesn't like to eat or sleep when I am with him. I guess he thinks I am the person he plays with?

His eating was going really well until the last couple of days. He was eating a total of 870-880 ml a day for almost a week. The last 2 days, he really seems to be struggling with teething so his eating might have slowed down because of it. He was chomping pretty hard on my hand earlier today and drooling so much!

Here are some pictures and a video. I will post some of my own personal ramblings after the pictures and video.

These pictures were from a couple of weeks go. Isaac likes to stand these days (with help of course):
These were from earlier today. Isaac got a red packet from his grandmother.
Of course Isaac would have to check out whether it tasted any good:
Here is a video from earlier this week of Isaac turning over by himself:



My ramblings:

Church was really good last night. (We have been going to Saturday night service as Remy has Sunday off and my mom's Chinese church service is on Sunday morning.) We started a new series on Colossians and yesterday's sermon was about being sufficient in Christ. Jong and I also started a Biblestudy today - Nancy Gunthrie's One Year Book of Hope.

I have been drifting away from God. In a way, it was easier to surrender to God when I was in the hospital and then when Isaac was in the hospital. I had no choice but to surrender to God every day because there really was no other way I could have gone on. Everything was SO clearly out of my control. After Isaac came home, it slowly became easier to start thinking that I am in control. Since surrendering to God must be an every day exercise, once I start thinking I am in control, it was easy to stop my daily surrendering. Once I stopped surrendering, it was easy to start being dissatisfied. My heart has been hurting for so long it was easier to start looking at people around me and envying them. In my years and years of primary infertility, I have never had any issues with pregnant women or couples with kids. However, the past few months, I started envying other pregnant women and people with regular, healthy kids (and people with more than one kid). I would see a pregnant woman and I won't be able to stop staring. I would see a couple with a baby at church and I won't be able to stop wishing our baby could be at church too (we are still home quarantining him until the flu/RSV season is over). I started wishing I was able to nurse Isaac. Wishing I could have experienced a normal pregnancy, child birth and new born experience. The list goes on...

"A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." Proverbs 14:30. I read this verse before I went to church last night and when I read the verse, I prayed and asked God how I could get rid of this envy that has built up this past year and it has been rotting my bones (and my heart). The answer was clear last night at church - that I need to be sufficient in Christ and not try to satisfy myself with things from this world.

The Nancy Guthrie Bible Study was also very helpful. We went through Week 1 "Brokenhearted". Here are some of the points:
-its okay to be brokenhearted. God is close to the brokenhearted.
-but its important to know the truth and not listen to lies from others and ourselves while we are brokenhearted
-if our hearts are broken, we have to think are we going to allow our hurt to soften our hearts or are we going to allow our heart to be hardened by bitterness and resentment towards God
-we need to trust God with all of the hurts of our past and the pains that may be in my future

Basically, I have been listening to my own lies in that I think having things like being able to get pregnant like a normal person (and not suffer from infertility), stay pregnant like a normal person and have a so called "normal" baby can make me happy. But these things won't make me happy. Only God can satisfy me and complete my life. The really tough thing to do is to trust God with all the pains that may be in my future. Even if I accept what has happened was for a good purpose (which I do think its true (though my heart may not accept it sometimes)), its really hard to continue to surrender to God every day with respect to my future. This covers a whole multitude of things. Will Isaac continue to grow and develop well? Will I ever be able to have another child (and I so want another little girl)? What if I am so blessed to be pregnant again, how can I handle it if the pregnancy goes bad again and I have to go through NICU again or worse, lose another child? What if something worse happens in our lives?

Anyway, this weekend was a very good reminder to remember to surrender to God every day. To surrender Isaac, Jong, my life, everything to Him EVERY DAY. That is so hard to do but that is what I MUST do and what I will be praying for myself to be able to do.

Sonia