Pouty Isaac and Flowers for Rachel

Dear all,

Isaac's teeth still haven't emerged yet but they sure are bothering him. It seems like he is pouty all the time these days - you will see in the pictures. Pouty but cute!!! We sleep with Isaac on the weekend and this morning I got up before the boys did and it was so funny because Isaac and his daddy were sleeping in exactly the same position - arms and legs spread out and covers kicked off. I would have taken a picture but I don't think Jong would have liked it! ^_^

I forgot to mention last time when I posted that I decided to wean my pumping. My supply has gotten pretty low anyway and it was getting to the point where the output was not worth it compared with the time, effort and the added stress it took. I am now only pumping twice a day - once in the morning and once at night.

Here are some pictures.

Isaac is still not very stable when we try to get him to sit up by himself so I put him on my bed surrounded with my body pillow so its okay if he toppled over (and he did):

This is a picture I got my mom to take earlier today:
Isaac in army pants with his daddy:
My mom put one of Isaac's toys on his head:
Believe it or not, we are approaching my first pPROM anniversary (pPROM = preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes, i.e. when Rachel's water broke). Rachel's water broke around 4 am on March 1, 2006 Japan time. I will be taking March 1 off of work and we decided to spend the day remembering Rachel. I haven't completely decided what we will do that day. I know some people plant trees or flowers or a memorial garden for the little ones they lose but since we live in Japan and don't have that option, we went out this Saturday and bought some flowers for Rachel. We bought mini flowers because Rachel was so tiny, fragile and beautiful these flowers reminded us of her. I do hope to be able to plant a cherry blossom tree for Rachel after we moved back to the U.S. as she and Isaac were born right during the full bloom of the cherry blossom season last year.

This is an embroidery my mom did for Rachel. She started on it right after Rachel went to heaven:
Take care and God bless,

Sonia

Happy Year of the Boar!

Happy New Year and Isaac update:

Today is Chinese New Year's Day. Happy New Year! I really haven't done much for Chinese New Year for a very long time (since I moved away from Hong Kong more than 20 years ago - yikes, that makes me feel old!) so today was like any old day.

Isaac was breathing well today (we were able to have him breathe without the cannular for a big part of the day) but he didn't eat so well today since today is Sunday and Remy had the day off. Its kind of funny, he now has pinned each person to a role. He likes being fed by Remy and he likes falling asleep for his naps with my mom. I am not sure what he likes to do with me but I am his bath person since I have continued to bathe him almost every night since he came home from the hospital. In any case, it definitely seems like he doesn't like to eat or sleep when I am with him. I guess he thinks I am the person he plays with?

His eating was going really well until the last couple of days. He was eating a total of 870-880 ml a day for almost a week. The last 2 days, he really seems to be struggling with teething so his eating might have slowed down because of it. He was chomping pretty hard on my hand earlier today and drooling so much!

Here are some pictures and a video. I will post some of my own personal ramblings after the pictures and video.

These pictures were from a couple of weeks go. Isaac likes to stand these days (with help of course):
These were from earlier today. Isaac got a red packet from his grandmother.
Of course Isaac would have to check out whether it tasted any good:
Here is a video from earlier this week of Isaac turning over by himself:



My ramblings:

Church was really good last night. (We have been going to Saturday night service as Remy has Sunday off and my mom's Chinese church service is on Sunday morning.) We started a new series on Colossians and yesterday's sermon was about being sufficient in Christ. Jong and I also started a Biblestudy today - Nancy Gunthrie's One Year Book of Hope.

I have been drifting away from God. In a way, it was easier to surrender to God when I was in the hospital and then when Isaac was in the hospital. I had no choice but to surrender to God every day because there really was no other way I could have gone on. Everything was SO clearly out of my control. After Isaac came home, it slowly became easier to start thinking that I am in control. Since surrendering to God must be an every day exercise, once I start thinking I am in control, it was easy to stop my daily surrendering. Once I stopped surrendering, it was easy to start being dissatisfied. My heart has been hurting for so long it was easier to start looking at people around me and envying them. In my years and years of primary infertility, I have never had any issues with pregnant women or couples with kids. However, the past few months, I started envying other pregnant women and people with regular, healthy kids (and people with more than one kid). I would see a pregnant woman and I won't be able to stop staring. I would see a couple with a baby at church and I won't be able to stop wishing our baby could be at church too (we are still home quarantining him until the flu/RSV season is over). I started wishing I was able to nurse Isaac. Wishing I could have experienced a normal pregnancy, child birth and new born experience. The list goes on...

"A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." Proverbs 14:30. I read this verse before I went to church last night and when I read the verse, I prayed and asked God how I could get rid of this envy that has built up this past year and it has been rotting my bones (and my heart). The answer was clear last night at church - that I need to be sufficient in Christ and not try to satisfy myself with things from this world.

The Nancy Guthrie Bible Study was also very helpful. We went through Week 1 "Brokenhearted". Here are some of the points:
-its okay to be brokenhearted. God is close to the brokenhearted.
-but its important to know the truth and not listen to lies from others and ourselves while we are brokenhearted
-if our hearts are broken, we have to think are we going to allow our hurt to soften our hearts or are we going to allow our heart to be hardened by bitterness and resentment towards God
-we need to trust God with all of the hurts of our past and the pains that may be in my future

Basically, I have been listening to my own lies in that I think having things like being able to get pregnant like a normal person (and not suffer from infertility), stay pregnant like a normal person and have a so called "normal" baby can make me happy. But these things won't make me happy. Only God can satisfy me and complete my life. The really tough thing to do is to trust God with all the pains that may be in my future. Even if I accept what has happened was for a good purpose (which I do think its true (though my heart may not accept it sometimes)), its really hard to continue to surrender to God every day with respect to my future. This covers a whole multitude of things. Will Isaac continue to grow and develop well? Will I ever be able to have another child (and I so want another little girl)? What if I am so blessed to be pregnant again, how can I handle it if the pregnancy goes bad again and I have to go through NICU again or worse, lose another child? What if something worse happens in our lives?

Anyway, this weekend was a very good reminder to remember to surrender to God every day. To surrender Isaac, Jong, my life, everything to Him EVERY DAY. That is so hard to do but that is what I MUST do and what I will be praying for myself to be able to do.

Sonia

Isaac turned over!

Dear all,

Isaac has been trying very hard to turn over (back to front) for quite a while now but he just couldn't figure out how to get completely over. Well, today at around 6:30 pm, I put him on his back in the middle of his play mat and went over to the other side of the room to look at his diary (we write down when and how much milk he drinks). I was adding up the total and I looked up and he was on his tummy!!!! I SO KNEW that this would happen. That he would do something great for the first time and I would be right there and miss it! This is because my life seems to be governed by Murphy's Law. Well, it doesn't matter. I am just so happy that he finally reached this milestone.

He had to go back on O2 after that one day but he is definitely eating better and has been consistently reaching around 800 ml (@27 ounces) a day now. His weight gain also started being more consistent this week (the few weeks before it would go up and down and stall quite a bit) He weighed 5.91 kgs (13 lbs) tonight.

I haven't really had a chance to take pictures and videos lately. I am hoping to to able to do so tomorrow and the day after. We actually have Monday off in Japan although I do have to work a little bit.

I will post more after I take the pics and hopefully videos!

Oh, I have been wanting to do this for a while. About a year ago, we did a 4D ultrasound session when we went on our Babymoon in Hawaii. It was wonderful and the only time I was able to really see Rachel moving around. The u/s technician was so excited to see twins she spent almost an hour with us. I was 14 weeks pg then. We basically watched Rachel kick Isaac the entire time and then flip over at the end. It was a very sweet time. We got great pictures and also a DVD (although we have not been able to watch the DVD again because its been too hard to). I will always cherish that week in Hawaii when the 4 of us spent a really wonderful and idyllic time together as a family.

Here are a couple of pictures.

Rachel (Baby A):
Rachel was the one on top:
Click this link for the whole series. Its in sequence so if you watch the slide show, you can see how Rachel flipped over at the end - 4D u/s photo album

Sonia

Can't sleep; Frappr Map

This has been another extremely stressful week at work. I have been up late and very early morning almost every day to deal with our US office. I finally got to go to bed earlier last night (11:30 pm) but got woken up by a wrong no. at around 3:15 am and I haven't been able to go back to sleep since then (its now 4:35 am).

It does seem like Isaac has some silent reflux problem as we did a few things to address it (email me if you want to know more) and he seems to be doing better. Not only his eating (less back arching) and his sleeping (we were able to reduce his night feeds to one time at around 1-2 am with the next one around 5-6 am) improved but most amazingly his breathing has improved! He spent the whole daytime yesterday without his O2 on and was able to sat at over 90% most of the time!!! Praise the Lord!!!!!

Anyway, I went back to the Frappr Map I set up for prayer warriors of Isaac early on in his NICU days and was marveling at the number of people praying for him and how the folks are spread all over North America and the rest of the world. So I decided to link it back onto the blog again. Its on the side bar but here is the link to - Frappr Map

Oh and his sleeping problems seem to be related to who is trying to get him to fall asleep at night. Its a bit heartbreaking for me but Remy definitely has an easier time putting him to sleep at night. I am hoping his excuse is because he doesn't want to fall asleep when he is with his mamma because he gets so little time with me. Boy is he going to get some guilt trip from his mamma when he is all grown up (don't worry I won't lay this on Isaac until he is much, much older. Hee hee) - your mamma went to the hospital every day for 6 months to visit you and you forgot as soon as you got home and cried every night when your mamma (after a stressful day at work) tried to sing you to sleep .... LOL. But actually, come to think of it, because of work, I haven't had a chance to try to put him to sleep at night since we made the changes to address his reflux so there is still hope.

Okay, I am going to try to see if I can fall back asleep for a couple of hours before I have to get back up.

God bless,

Sonia

Silent Reflux?

So I am thinking more that Isaac might have Silent Reflux now? Someone send me this link - http://www.infantrefluxdisease.com/silent_reflux.php. It says that some symptoms that can indicate silent reflux are:

-irritability and pain
-poor sleep habits typically with frequent waking* -> Isaac has this
-arching their necks and back during or after eating* -> Isaac has this
-frequent hiccups* -> Isaac has this
-frequent ear infections
refusing food or accepting only a few bites despite being hungry* or the exact opposite -> Isaac has this sometimes
-requiring constant small meals or liquid
-food/oral aversions
-anemia
excessive drooling -> Isaac seems to have this, although I am not sure what excessive is
-running nose, sinus infections
-sinus congestion
-swallowing problems, gagging, choking
-chronic hoarse voice
-frequent red, sore throat without infection present
-apnea
-respiratory problems—pneumonia, bronchitis, wheezing, asthma, night-time cough, aspiration
-gagging themselves with their fingers or fist (sign of esophagitis)
-poor weight gain, weight loss, failure to thrive* -> I guess Isaac has this but then I think all micro-preemies would have this symptom
-erosion of dental enamel
-neck arching (Sandifer's Syndrome)
-bad breath
* denotes most common symptoms of silent reflux

So I will be talking about silent reflux with Isaac's home nurse when she visits next Tuesday or Wednesday. In the meantime, I am going to try a few things out suggested by the website. I will report back later.

By the way, I forgot to ask, how do you all like the new look?

Sonia

Pictures and more tantrums

Sigh. Isaac has continued to throw tantrums every night before bed time and it seems to be getting worse every night. He doesn't cry much during the day at all. Its just right before bed time at night. We are not sure why he is doing this. One possible theory is he might have acid reflux which is usually supposed to be worse at night if he has it. I am going to try to find out whether we can figure out he has acid reflux in Japan. I know checking for acid reflux is very straight forward in the US and almost always done for preemies there. But (sigh again) we are in Japan and its been a different world here so we will see. Another theory is he prefers Remy over me. (Bigger sigh) As I spend quite long hours at work and I only get to see him for a little bit in the morning and I often don't get home till past 7 pm, I am probably more unfamiliar to him. I really, really try to spend all evening with him as soon as I have woofed down some dinner. Our nightly routine is I play with him for a little bit, bathe him and then depending on how tired he is, read to him and may be play a little more before I bottle feed him and get him to sleep. He will fall asleep any time from 9:00 pm to 10:30 pm (and 11:00 pm last night!) depending on the night. This was going well for a while until recently when his tantrums got worse. Now it is a huge struggle every night and what used to be a very nice time with him every night is turning to be, well, let's just say not so nice time. Work has been incredibly stressful too so these types of evenings do not help.

The sad thing is he won't nurse from me so we don't even have that bond. Some of you may recall that when Isaac in NICU, I wasn't allowed to breastfeed him for the longest time and when we were finally allowed to, only for a very limited time. By the time he came home, he was having such a hard time that I gave up the struggle. I can't help but wonder whether I would be able to better calm him if he would nurse from me. But now I don't even have enough of a supply. I am still pumping but am only getting around 350-400 ml a day and he is eating between 700-800 ml a day (depending on the day). I may try to let him suckle a little bit again. Last time I tried, he was so confused and then he started really crying again (probably because it took so much more effort for him to be able to suck the milk out).

Anyway, I didn't mean for this post to get this depressing. Isaac is still very, very cute for most of the time. He just warps into a different monster, um I mean person, at night. And I never forget what a miracle he is.

I finally downloaded the few pictures I took in the latter part of Jan. So here are finally some pictures of Isaac.

A friend gave Isaac this outfit a long time ago - way before Isaac was out of the hospital. When I first opened it and saw how big it was and that it was for 6 months old babies. I thought - wow that's nuts, Isaac won't be able to wear this probably till he is at least a year old! To my surprise, I took it out again in January and realized that I have to let him wear it soon or its going to be too small for him soon! (Although it does seem like he has short arms as we always have to fold his sleeves up.)

Just another tummy picture:
Isaac looking all important and serious this past weekend:
Isaac showing his true self - his evil grin:
I have noticed this past week that Isaac's hair finally seem to be getting darker and thicker. Some of you may recall that his hair in the early days was quite light brown. These are pictures from earlier this evening (before he warped into the little monster):
Oh and believe it or not, he is at an adjusted age of 6 mos now! Our scale doesn't seem to be that accurate as he was 5.72 kg last night but 5.68 kg tonight. So let's just say he is 5.70 kg (around 12.5 lbs) for now. On Feb 4, his actual age will be 10 months!!!

God bless,

Sonia