I woke up this morning and realized that I might be holding on to our babies too tightly.
I sooooooo want both of them to make it. I don't just want Isaac to make it, I really, really want both Rachel and Isaac to make it. Jong keeps reminding me that I need to be thankful for each extra day God gave us to spend with them since we didn't think we would still be with them at this point last week. And believe me, I am very, very thankful - not just for the extra time I have with them but also for the amazing outpouring of prayers and love we have received from so many people. But I want so bad for them to make it, to play with them, read stories to them and giggle with them.
But I also know that I NEED to surrender them to our Lord. That if He wants them back in Heaven soon, I need to give them back to Him willingly and wholeheartedly. I know I HAVE to come out of this, regardless of the outcome, with a completely changed heart and soul. That I can't just "do" Christian things part of the day but I have to live and breathe a Christ like life. That I need to completely give my life over to God - not just say that I will or say that I will try my best but to actually do it for real this time. If not, our babies struggles will be all for nothing.
It is so hard to surrender our babies to the Lord without despairing. It is so hard to hope for miracles for our babies without holding onto them too tightly. As Jong said, Rachel and Isaac are God's babies, not ours.
I need to be right with God for our babies' sakes. So that is my struggle today. I need to surrender.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
1 comment:
Oh Sonia, I am crying reading this posting! I have the personality type that has to know I CAN release all to the Lord BEFORE I can hope. I am so afraid of bitterness that I guess I have to engage in embracing worst case scenario first than backing up to hope. After 7 years of infertility and then loosing 10 babies in 1st trimester miscarriages when Ty was born so early I just knew God was taking another one of my babies home. I was so afraid to hope. (Ty's early birth was due to a placental abruption by the way). When I got the call that Ty had just been born (his birth family called), I collapsed on the floor of the garage sobbing my heart out that God was taking my 11th child. Before I got in the car though I found myself giving my baby to God. I was caught in the same questions of grief as you...how do I give baby back and still hope God will save him? I let go and then embraced hope moment by moment. I don't know exactly how you "do" it - I guess it is the journey of learning to surrender and trust in the goodness of God at the same time. I found myself choosing to enjoy Ty's life every moment I had him not knowing if I would have him the next. Rembering the emotions of that are still overwhelming to me....
Sonia - I hear you and I am praying.
Post a Comment