Isaac scared mommy

Dear all,

I had a little scare today. When I first started feeding Isaac today, Isaac was so hungry that he started wolfing down the milk a little too fast and then he stopped breathing. His face turned blue and his heart rate fell down to 90 something plus his SpO2 fell to 59% or so. This happened in what seemed like the blink of an eye. I immediately pulled the bottle away from him. The nurse was with me when this happened, and she tapped Isaac's head, face, back and feet to get him to start breathing again. It was really hard for me not to burst out crying right then and there. He also had a hard time breathing yesterday.

When I first arrived today, I noticed that there was a not so small milk stain on his bed. So I asked the nurse whether he threw up. The nurse said that he didn't throw up but that some of the milk from his prior feed spilled. I don't know if I mentioned this here before (sorry, I am too lazy to check back) but the nurses leave milk bottles propped up on the side with a towel and let the babies feed on their own when their parents are not there to feed them. So when Isaac was feeding on his own, I guess somehow he lost the grib on the nipple and somehow the milk spilled out. I don't know how much milk got spilled out but the nurse claimed that only a little bit got spilled. This could be the reason why Isaac was so hungry when I got there. As all the other babies get the same treatment, there is nothing much I can do, especially since they won't let us visit longer so that I can do more than one feed. Once Jong gets back to Japan, we can at least try to go separately and make sure that Isaac has at least 2 feedings where he gets fed properly.

On days like this, its really, really hard to remember that God put Isaac at this hospital purposefully and that Isaac is in God's Hands. Its not like we can really bring him home now as he is still having such difficulty breathing. I feel so helpless as I can't do much for Isaac right now. But it is really hard to accept the level of care he is getting and the poor environment in GCU (loud and bright). It is also hard not to imagine what it is like for Isaac for most of the day when we are not there. Hard to not worry that it will have some long term effect on him emotionally and psychologically, if not physically. Sometimes its hard to feel peace with the fact that the only thing I can really do is pray even harder and harder for God to please, please heal Isaac's lungs and breathing.

Today reminded me again that even when we can bring Isaac home, it is just another leg of the long journey ahead of us.

Sometimes I feel really, really weary on this journey. It feels like my heart just can't take the pain for another minute. But the amazing thing is when I start looking up, when I start thinking about what Christ did for me on the cross, the weariness and the pain just bring me even closer to Him. Because I know that I can give it all to Him. I know that when I can't stand it anymore, I can just lie in God's arms and let him take over.

A Christian sister pointed out this Daily Bread reading from a couple of days ago:

In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul. —Psalm 94:19

Hudson Taylor (1832-1905) was the founder of the China Inland Mission and a great servant of God. But after the ferocious Boxer Rebellion of 1900, in which hundreds of his fellow missionaries were killed, Taylor was emotionally devastated and his health began to fail. Nearing the end of life’s journey, he wrote, “I am so weak that I cannot work. I cannot read my Bible; I cannot even pray. I can only lie still in God’s arms like a child and trust.”

Have you been passing through a time when you are tired of body and sick of heart? Do you find it difficult to focus your mind on biblical promises? Has it become hard for you to pray? Don’t write yourself off as a spiritual castaway. You are joining a host of God’s people who have experienced the dark night of the soul.

When we endure such times, all we can do—indeed, all we need do—is lie still like a child in the arms of our heavenly Father. Words aren’t necessary. A comforting father doesn’t expect his child to make speeches. Neither does God. He knows we need His soothing care. In times of trouble, His mercy holds us up (Psalm 94:18). We may trust Him to carry us through that dark night of the soul and on into the dawning light. —Vernon C Grounds

Under His wings I am safely abiding,
Though the night deepens and tempests are wild;
Still I can trust Him; I know He will keep me,
He has redeemed me, and I am His child. —Cushing

When we have nothing left but God, we’ll find that God is enough.

I am just so glad that God is enough, because I have nothing left.

Here are a few pictures from the past week. This one is from August 6, 2006 - Isaac looked happy being held by daddy:
This was from today - when I first arrived at the hospital, before Isaac woke up hungry:
This was also from today, after he was fed and had clean diapers, he fell asleep in my arms. I had to take this one with one hand while holding him with my other arm. So its not the best picture.
P.S. Thanks for your prayers for Jong. He did get to the U.S. from London but it took him a lot longer - his flight was scheduled to arrive at 7:30 pm but he finally got out of the airport at 1:00 am. As I mentioned before, he wasn't allowed any hand carry with him, not even a paper note pad or a book or magazine (and those of you who know him will know how hard it is for him to not have anything to do). Anyway, guess what happened? Yup, the movie system on the plane broke and it was a 10 hour flight (which got extended into a much longer flight). Anyway, the good news is Jong had no choice but to sleep and sleep. ^_^

Sonia