Jong was given this book shortly after Isaac and Rachel were born during one of his trips back to the US and read it on his flight back. He gave it to me but I couldn't read it back then. I just couldn't handle it. So it got put on our bookshelves and I ended up forgetting about it. For some reason, Isaac picked it out of our bookshelves earlier this evening out of all the books we have. As we are getting closer and closer to Abigail's birth, memories of my last traumatic birth and postpartum experience keep flooding back to me. So I thought may be God is trying to encourage me to read this book. It was a wonderful, touching book. I just wanted to share a couple of excerpts that particularly touched me tonight.
I think we might have shared this before. In the early hours of March 1, 2006, after Rachel's sac had completely ruptured and our doctor told us that labor was going to come imminently and there was may be a 1% chance that we can somehow deliver Rachel without delivering Isaac, basically telling us we would lose both our children, I was determined that we needed to name our children as soon as possible. We already had a girl's name. I always wanted to give our daughter the middle name of "Grace" because of how our lives have been changed by God's grace throughout the years. And Jong and I had picked "Rachel" out together. I knew I wanted to give my boy the middle name of "Samuel" because of our struggles with infertility but we didn't have a first name yet. Jong immediately said, we have to name our son "Isaac" because we need to offer him back to God if He wants him back since he came from God anyway. And we would just pray that may be somehow God would allow him to stay with us a little longer.
Anyway, the following excerpt captures what we went through. This was after Max De Pree's daughter told him that the doctor said they couldn't stop her contractions and Zoe would need to be born soon. But that Zoe was probably not going to survive.
Your mom said to me, 'Dad, we have to make a decision.' I said, 'What decision do we have to make, Honey?' And she said, 'We have to give up my baby.' We were silent together for a short time. Then she said to me, 'Dad, do you think God knows how much this hurts? We agreed that God grieved over the death of his son, just as he would grieve with us over your death if that were to happen.
I suggested to her that perhaps we didn't have to make a decision to give you up. That perhaps the only thing we were called on to do was to turn you over to God. To offer you back to him but not to try to make a decision that wasn't ours to make. And so together, holding each other tightly, we prayed. It wasn't easy. The choking tears kept interrupting. With a great deal of passion and a certain sense of freedom, instead of making a decision to give you up, we placed you gently in the Lord's hands.
Because the prognosis of Zoe was so unsure, Max Du Pree spent quite a bit of time pondering the question of normalcy and what is perfection in his letters. We know Isaac has been blessed beyond measure for how far he has gotten despite being born so prematurely as a twin but we also know he has a long road ahead of him. We watch him struggle to do things "normal" kids his age have no problems with. And we are unsure of what lies in the future for him. So Jong and I often worry about Isaac being able to have a "normal" life.
After writing you that note several days ago about perfection. I've been quietly reflectiing on this matter. You'll have to get use to that: people often launch a boat without knowing where they're headed.
Many questions now come to mind.
Is perfection like the weather? Is constantly fine weather better than changing seasons? Where would we be without storms? Can we learn to sail without the wind?
Do we begin life already perfected? If we start out perfect, will we always be perfect? Can we become imperfect? Even choose it? Are there peaks and valleys to perfection? Are there different kinds of perfection? Can we be perfect children of God and imperfect children of human beings?
What kinds of perfect are there? What kind do I want to be? There seem to be a lot of choices. Some people think those who win the hundred dash have beautiful feet. On the other hand, God says, "How beautiful are the feet of those who preach good news."
We don't know what perfection is or in whose eyes or at what stage of life or compared to what. For instance, does being somehow wounded makes us less perfect or more perfect?
The Bible tells us our bodies can be the temple of the Holy Spirit. Does the Holy Spirit choose only perfect bodies in which to live? Of course not. Faith is our choice, as well as God's gift.
Zoe, I am beginning to see a lovely mystery in all this searching. But these are all my questions in a search for all my answers. I must tell you I've come to a point of great peace (although not without concern), which I hope I can explain without having my answers.
As have all the families who find themselves, to their surprise, loving a person with an uncertain future, I have struggled with the obvious question, "Why?" But is this the right question? Does it have an answer?
In ninth chapter of the book of John, Jesus is asked if some children suffer for their own sins or for those of their parents. Beautifully, he explains it is neither, but rather "that the work of God might be displayed in their lives." Now that's a purpose. An answer. A gift worth pondering. A gift that requires faith to understand.
It brings me again to my lifelong struggle with obedience. How is obedience related to perfection? Obedience seems to me to be such a completely inclusive word. What does it take on my part (and in several years for you0 to be "faithful to the original"?
Zoe, I am at peace concerning you and me, because I see now that perfection lies in the eye of our Beholder. Like authenticity, it is his gift of love and ownership to us. We need only respond in love and obedience and faith.
After I read this, I realized I need to focus on praying more for Isaac to have a blessed life and to be a blessing to others, bring glory to our Lord, instead of worrying about him to be able to have a "normal" life.
Anyway, I am sharing this in the hopes that these writings will touch some of you as they have touched me.
Blessings,
Sonia
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